How To Talk To Your Kids About Scary News Events
How do you talk to your kids about scary events? With ongoing events from natural disasters to mass shootings, kids will find out about scary news events. As a parent or caregiver, you can help your child understand the events, comfort fears, and support your child in processing the thoughts and feelings related to the event.
Below are 5 tips to support these important conversations.
1. Ask: “What do you know, and how are you feeling?”
Kids will hear about a scary event from classmates, peers, older siblings, or adults. Some information may be accurate, but there may be details that are not true or details that change as information about the event is released. Inaccurate and changing information can contribute to more fear and confusion.
Kids need a place to be heard and seen. Engage in open conversations and seek to understand how they are interpreting the event.
Ask your child, “What do you know, and how are you feeling?” And then listen. Reflect back on what you hear. “I heard you say this … and you are feeling …. That makes so much sense.” You can also use follow-up comments such as “Can you tell me more about this part?” Or “This is a really scary thing, and I am feeling nervous too. It doesn’t make sense. I am here for you.”
2. Answer questions.
As your child learns about the event, questions will naturally arise. Curiosity is a normal and healthy response to a confusing and scary event. Oftentimes, children may want to know “why” an event happened, as this is one way of trying to make sense of a scary event. Be open and honest in answering questions.
Commonly, there is no clear answer to the “why” question. If you do not know the answer, you can respond with:
“That is a good question, and I am not sure what the answer is.”
“I have the same question, and I am not sure either.”
“I am wondering the same thing. This doesn’t make sense to me either.”
These gentle responses can normalize asking questions since scary events do not always have clear, concise answers.
Answer questions as honestly and fact-based as you can. As scary events are unfolding in real-time, the information about what happened may change. You can help your child integrate new details if you sense this is helpful to understanding what happened. Depending on your child's age, there may be some details that you chose to keep private.
3. Keep the Conversation Going
Expect to see an increase in emotions, questions, and conversations in the days that follow a scary event. As more time passes and life returns to regular routines, the overt conversations may decrease, but there may be lingering emotions. Follow-up conversations with your child allows them space to continue processing their thoughts and feelings. It also gives you insight into their minds and hearts.
Here are some follow-up questions you can ask:
How are you feeling about the scary event today?
What do you think now about the event?
Has the event changed the way you think about yourself or others?
Are you feeling more nervous or worried since the scary event?
If so, what thought keeps popping in your head?
4. Notice Your Own Response
As a parent or caregiver, you are processing your own feelings and thoughts regarding the event in real time. Scary news events can activate fears of safety and remind us of the fragility of life. Kids can sense the anxiety and fear that their parents are experiencing, so notice what is coming up for you, share it with someone, go on a walk, engage in self-care activities, be mindful of changes in your normal rhythms, and seek out help if you need it.
How your child responds may bring some unexpected thoughts or feelings up in you. Get curious about what is coming up for you and share this with a partner, friend, or therapist.
5. Reestablish Safety
Scary events can make kids feel unsafe. Reestablishing a sense of safety is necessary for reducing fear and anxiety. This may look different for each child, so talk to your child about how the adults are responding. Kids depend on adults to help create a sense of safety and having more information about how adults are responding can increase safety.
After a scary news event, try to keep normal sleep, eating, and movement routines for your kids. These routines help maintain safety, consistency, and help your child feel grounded in the midst of big feelings.
Scary news events are, well, scary. They impact each person uniquely, and seeking out support can be helpful for you and your child. Contact other parents or friends who are helping their children process what is happening. Through these conversations, you can glean new ideas and receive support from others going through the same thing. If you need additional support, reach out to a mental health professional who can support you, your child, and your family.
Becky Anderson, APCC, works in our Santa Ana and San Clemente offices. To schedule your free consultation with Becky, email banderson@emmausroadcounseling.com or call 657-226-1461.
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